In order for you to understand where I'm coming from, it would probably help if you knew where I've been. I know Adam told me way back when that he talked to you about my not previously being a Christian and my conversion...but I'm not really sure how much you really know. And, honestly, I'm not sure I've ever really sat down and thought it all through. Feel free to skim the following anecdote of my spiritual life...I'm sure it's about to turn into a rather lengthy post as my introspections tend to do...The last paragraph or so is likely to be the most important.
Both of my parents were brought up in Christian families - but in both my grandfathers, as far as I can remember/know of, did not attend church. Grandmother (mom's mom) attends a Methodist church and MawMaw (dad's mom) attended a Pentecostal church. I guess my dad was pretty involved in the church (played in the band and such) way back in the day; but I've never been to church with him as far as I can remember. I guess this is all important because even though my family has Christian backgrounds, I have never once been to church with my parents. All of my church-going experiences as a child were random goings with my grandmothers' when I stayed over on a weekend.
I'm one of those people that doesn't remember a lot about their childhood - but I do remember praying quite emphatically for God to help Lee walk. I think that maybe the lack of miraculous intervention there is something that eventually started my disenchantment with God and Christianity.
In the 4th or 5th grade was the first time I remember wishing my parents would get a divorce. I don't know how much Adam ha s told you about my home life; but I would definitely describe my dad as emotionally abusive. He has never become physically abusive with my mom or us kids; but honestly there have been times that I've wished he had because then something could be done about it...whoever came up with the "sticks and stones" rhyme certainly never lived in a house like mine. I'm not sure if my house has always been like this; but, like I said before, I don't remember a lot from my childhood. Looking back at it all now I can understand that the stress of having a child with a disability is enormously stressful - perhaps it was the trigger for my dad's anger. But, there's no excuse for the things he has said and the way he has treated his family. My inability to understand how God could allow that sort of situation to occur further complicated my ability to believe in him. It also seriously affected my ability to understand the Christian view of God as a loving father.
Then there's the fact that I've always been kind of an old soul looking for answers. In middle school, of my own accord, I did quite a bit of research on religions around the world. I think that was in 7th or 8th grade...I guess I knew I was missing out on something, or I at least wanted to know what all the fuss was about.
8th grade is when something finally made sense to me, and when I found a group of people who had questions and beliefs similar to mine. I found my first real spiritual connection with Wicca. The power and beauty of nature was something undeniable and tangible. There was no obscure ultimate God to try to come to terms with - and it provided an affirmation of sanctity of female as well as male. (I still have issues with how male-dominant most religions are - but the book Captivating helped me see the female side of Christianity). By not having a "loving father-god" with an "ultimate plan" I didn't have the same wanting for an explanation for my life's situations; some things just happen - they test us and make us stronger and that's it. Wicca also gave me a sense of control over my own life; and I had a small group of friends that further researched and practiced it with me. It was the first time I felt like I belonged spiritually. This was also the time in my life where my Aunt Angela re-entered the family; she introduced me to astrology and tarot. It was nice to also have a family member that saw things differently.
This all lasted - off and on I guess, I certainly wasn't any sort of a devout practitioner - for a few years. Pagan beliefs coupled with astrology gave me just enough of a sense of spiritual direction that I didn't start searching for more again until Sophomore/Junior year. Again I started researching religions on my own trying to figure out what was missing. I became more and more aware of the fact that I could relate with bits and pieces of many religions - Christianity, Paganism and Buddhism especially; but I was unable to accept any of them in their entirety. I lacked the ability to have faith - I wanted something to give an explanation for everything, and that just wasn't happening.
Then came Adam and the late night debates on religion and politics. Of course over the years bits and pieces of us rubbed off on each other. The biggest breakthrough I had at this point was being able to separate the church as a political entity from the actual teachings of the Bible. I was able to realize that so many things that didn't make sense to me, and still don't, are constructs of the church and not necessarily from the teachings of Jesus. This went a long way in my being able to accept Christianity as a religion and a way of life.
The final push was when Maw Maw passed away. She died with her Bible in her arms. It made me think that if she held onto her faith so desperately til the bitter end; there had to be something worthwhile about it. So, I opened up - and took a leap of faith. But I feel now that it was half-hearted and not exactly for the right reasons.
I accepted Christianity for Maw Maw and Adam more than I did for myself...and that lack of true commitment is what I think I'm fighting with today. It also makes me feel like I've lost a part of me - the intellectual religious debater. I still want to mix and match parts of other beliefs with Christianity to make it more whole for me; but I don't think Adam would be very accepting of that - like it would make me a faker/not a true believer. But I still question that.
I question the exclusivity clause of Christianity. I question whether or not Christians today really have the full picture of what God/Jesus intended the focus of the religion to be. I cannot accept the Bible as the infallible word of God because I know that it has been written and re-written by men throughout history with a multitude of different motivations - not all of them being holy or pure. Do I have to accept these things in order to be a Christian? I don't know...I'd like to say no, but I feel pressure to say yes.
Like I said...lengthy lol.
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