In all stages of life this has been my weakness - giving up my fears and anxieties to God and trusting that things will work out the way they are supposed to, whether I understand the plan right away or not. From apartment searches to job searches, to the move across the state followed by a house search and more job searches, to the decision of whether or not it was time to try to get pregnant to coming to terms with what that really means...the list goes on.
Now I fear whether or not I can really handle this - what have I gotten myself into?!?!?!?! I fear the third trimester struggles, the labor, the birth, the being responsible for keeping a tiny helpless human alive and healthy... I fear not being able to be the mom I want to be. Years ago I changed my career path and pursued becoming a teacher because I believed it would be a better fit for the kind of mom I want to be - one who is nurturing, involved, creative and fun...who has time for her kids every day, who can plan fun family vacations for the summer... The pregnancy has thus far made me seriously doubt that decision. I come home so exhausted and with so much work still to do - grading, lesson planning - that I have begun to seriously doubt my ability to balance work and family. Everyone kept saying that my energy would come back in my second trimester, it didn't. With a more grueling third trimester on the horizon followed by a baby I can't help but assume that it's just all been downhill from the start - when am I ever going to feel like I can do it all again?
Logically I tell myself that if I'm actually able to keep the same job for once the workload will be decreased - I would actually be able to re-use lesson plans and materials etc... But I can't help but fear the possibility of being laid off again. Pinckney, and many districts in the area, is strapped for cash. We're losing enrollment and funding...which means the belt keeps on tightening. And because staffing is still done by seniority here I pretty much have no prayer if there is any room to downsize staff for next school year. I honestly don't believe I could handle the stress of another teaching job search or a year of a new district/curriculum with a newborn. So then I start wondering...what other jobs would I be interested in looking for? And there I go down the rabbit hole...
Anyway, I try to keep reminding myself that I'm not doing myself any good by worrying about it all - but it's so hard to do, especially being the planner that I am.
Close eyes.
Deep breath.
Let go.
Trust.
Pray.
Matthew 11:28 Come to Me, all who are weary and heavyladen, and I will give you rest
While this is true emotionally and spiritually, it is unfortunately...unless God can give me more hours in the day... not true physically :-/
God uses children to break into the deepest parts of our soul if we let him.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I've been a planner for most of my life. (I know it's hard to believe given my family / life background) But I've been pretty strategic about most of my decisions. Leaving options open. Thinking about my future. Playing life like a game of chess.
The moment I got pregnant with Eddie, that all changed. I am still a planner, but day by day, God has taught me the virtue of planning for tomorrow but LIVING in today.
Theme verse for motherhood: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
From the moment you get pregnant, each day has worry of its own. You look up and you try to plan. You look at other moms and you try to compare -- how am I doing? Am I doing this as well as them?
I failed my labor with Eddie because I was over thinking it....
Here's how it went down. I watched the business of being born. I read tons of books on child birth. I tried to put together my plan. I even went as far as understanding that it was out of my control.... but I still wanted to "do it right"
I labored for 2 weeks with Eddie before it really got going. Then, as it picked up momentum I knew he was really coming -- I jumped into my labor plan. I did all the things I planned to do to ease the pain and help me do it naturally. I recognized the stages of labor from all my reading and paced myself according to where I was at.
I waited to go to the hospital until I knew that I was in full-hard active labor.
1st wrench -- unexpected IV. I was dehydrated. Getting antibiotics = more painful than labor. Pissed off.
Carry on with birth plan.
Get in birthing tub. -- new news -- no water birth for me :( Sad moment.
Labor gets hard. Harder. Harder..... I start thinking through the signs of labor. I knew that for most women the transistion stage was the most difficult part. Usually contractions were 1-2 minutes apart and perhaps twice the intensity of active labor contractions. I started freaking out. FREAKING OUT.
NO WAY IN HELL can I handle TWICE AS HARD. I crumbled. I was afraid. I shrunk into myself and completely lost control. After an hour of agonizing debate I got an epidural deciding it was best for both me and baby.... the decision was so hard on my heart after all my reading and hope for natural labor. I wasn't even a mom yet, and I had already failed.
....
Fast forward to Andrew's labor. A few years of motherhood has taught me to live in the moment. Don't think about how far I still have to go -- focus on putting one foot in front of the other and pushing through the challenge at hand.
Wanting to try again for a natural labor I decided to labor at home for as long as I could humanly stand it -- then -- see where things were at. If it was too hard, I knew an epidural wouldn't hurt me or the baby.
Again contractions increased in intensity. I went from dealing to punching ulrich to --- WTF -- like my previous labor the contractions were long and still 5 minutes apart. I thought, I'm not yet to transition. If I go to the hospital I will get an epidural. I want so bad to do this naturally. So I stalled. I took each one as it came.
My mom was FREAKING... you are going to have this baby here if we don't get a move on....
We finally got in the car. Got to the hospital. In between contractions I was very calm. But the contractions were past my ability to cope so I was a complete lunatic when they hit. I thought for sure I was going to get there and find out I was only 5 cm dilated only beginning to enter transition. Funny to find out -- I was through transition and was over dilated to 11. It was time to push.
My body does labor differently than what the books say.
And so does everyone elses.
We each do pregnancy different. Labor. Newborn. Baby. Toddler. Work. Life. House to our own rhythm. We can sabotage ourselves by comparing our situation with others or by looking at the mountain ahead and saying "No way can I climb that -- I'm barely able to make it through today."
ReplyDeleteTruth is -- you can and you will climb it.
You will figure out each step -- labor, birth, newborn, work, house, life. It won't be easy. It won't be perfect. And, it probably won't be exactly to plan. But....
In motherhood, the biggest lesson that I would pass on to you, my dearest sister-in-law is don't let your logical brain pysch you out that you can't do it. You can and you will. Let tomorrow's challenge live in tomorrow. And just deal with getting today's papers graded. Just make it through. Make it to the end of the day and let it be enough.
You and Adam are a team. You have a big God to hold you up and a ton of family to surround you.
And no matter what challenge or blessing will come, there will always be a set of footprints that aren't yours.
XOXOXO