I spent the day entirely alone without much to do besides keep Eddie busy. It was on one hand beautiful and relaxing and on the other lonely and isolating. Entering into the wilderness. We have seasons in life and this time in Livermore has most definitely been a season of wilderness. Of wondering mostly alone trying to figure out what's next -- what should I be doing with my life? Who am I now? These questions don't have quick or easy answers. I've been asking them since Ulrich and I got married but they took on new dimension after I lost my job and had Eddie and moved to a new town where we didn't know anyone and despite my best efforts I haven't been able to make a single close friend.
Lent heightens this feeling of wilderness, but each year a promise of finding God in Easter carries me through the wilderness time.
Your "wilderness" and isolation feelings definitely resonate with how I've felt about living in working in Kalamazoo. We have acquaintances here and there - but we also haven't made any close friends in the past 2 years. I guess those feelings are part of what has convinced us that we need to take a leap of faith and move back East in the fall.
ReplyDeleteI know how much you miss Livermore, so I'm sure me talking about moving doesn't help...but maybe it could help in the sense that, to some degree, there might be some sort of decision you can make to put yourself on the path you want to be on. It might take a leap of faith - in my case, potentially giving up employment - but maybe for you it's connecting with new people in a place or way you might not have thought you'd be comfortable with. Maybe a group exercise class at the gym? Or some sort of community volunteering project? Maybe start your own project and "advertise" to get more people involved - a community garden?
I'm sure you've looked into a lot of options, and without me knowing what they are I'm just kind of spitballing here... I know the moving option really isn't that available to you, so the next best thing is to make the best of where you are. Think of something that you want to be a part of, that could be done with others, lift it up to God, and put some serious effort into trying to make it happen.
I guess we eventually came to the understanding that, while we do need to put our worries/fears/needs into God's hands...we also can't wait for him to make it happen for us. So, even though I'm terrified that I won't be able to find a job on the East Side - we know that is where we want to be, and I'm going to trust that God will help me find a way to make it work.
My leap of faith most likely will come in the form of letting Ulrich quit his job to start his business. We have been waiting, praying, watching and planning, but at some point we will know that it is a call on his life and we will have to make the jump.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of connecting here, I've done so much to try to make it happen, that part of my faith journey here involves letting go of expectations and letting God work in and through me despite the circumstances. I'm heavily involved at my church - lead youth group, lead a band and lead workout classes 3 times a week. I joined a mom's group and go on playdate outings at least once a week, sometimes twice. It's about everything one really can do to try to form community but at this point, it's just not clicking.
It's ok. Some parts of our journey are more isolated. Maybe the point is to focus on family or to deepen my relationship with Ulrich or to lean on God to fill my moments of loneliness. Whatever it is, my wilderness time is a chance to listen for God and to look and to follow whatever small still voice beckons me forward.
I welcome lent as a quiet time sit with God and wait.